Yesterday, I could not adult. My emotions would not allow me to handle life. I tried to flip a pancake that wasn’t ready, and made a mess. So I threw the spatula and then started crying. Then I tried to do laundry in my new washing machine (because our old one exploded….) and for whatever reason, the machine did not allow me to use cold water. When I turned the knob to cold, it dispensed hot water, when I turned the knob to hot, it dispensed hot water. I read the manual online, tried all different settings and then slammed the door down and just let it wash in hot water. And then I went to my room and started crying… Again. I looked at Alex (who was wonderful and thought I was just adorable) and said, “I just can’t deal with life anymore!”
This weekend, I also bought a new (to me) car. I wrote the biggest check of my life and the next day, I kind of panicked. I wasn’t a fan of the shrinking of my savings account, and I had a smidge of buyers’ remorse. All the factors that played into this breakdown just created a perfect storm.
Naturally, I went to work this morning and continued “adulting.” I wanted to quit. But not in the way that I normally do. Not in the “There is too much to do, and I don’t want to do it” way. Not in the “My boss is irritating me and I don’t make enough money” way either. It was deeper than that. It was a way that felt like my heart was telling me that I need to get out. My heart was telling me, it’s time to get out. And even I thought that saying those things sounded stupid. But that’s the only way I could explain it.
I’ve been reading the book Scratch. It is filled with essays and anecdotes from writers that are pretty fascinating to young, aspiring writers like myself. I learned that Cheryl Strayed was on a book tour, with a NYT best seller, when her rent check bounced. It opened my eyes to the process of getting paid to write. The book, so far, has inspired me to keep writing, while simultaneously discouraging me. It’s an odd combination, and a fascinating read.
Reading the book, spending my savings, struggling to stay motivated at work, and still looking for another job has me feeling stuck. Do all twenty somethings feel like this? Do we all struggle with the same things? Am I just whining? Does anyone have any answers? Because right now, that’s all I’m looking for. I’m just looking for some answers.