What’s been happening in my life lately? Why haven’t I posted in awhile? (To be fair, my last post was only last week, but it wasn’t my words. And it didn’t require much thought). Well that last post helps explain the answer to that question! I have a case of writers’ block. And while that’s no excuse, I just haven’t sat down to write. It’s not that I don’t want to, I just haven’t. What can I say for myself? I’m stuck. So today, I am forcing myself to sit down and write. But no guarantees on what will come of it.
Here is some insight to what I’ve been surrounding myself with:
I am currently…
Listening to: Michael Buble’s new album Nobody But Me. I am loving it. “God Only Knows” is beyond beautiful. And “Take You Away” makes me super excited for my vacation next week. The jazzy feel to some of the songs always gets my foot tapping. Call me crazy, I just prefer music coming from actual instruments, rather than computers.
Reading: The Next Best Thing by Jennifer Weiner. This book has taken me a minute to get into, but it’s about a writers’ life, so it grabbed my attention. Maybe when I get some time to myself this weekend, I’ll dive in a little bit deeper. I have a list of books I want for my birthday, but I have to finish this one first!
Watching: “Man with a Plan,” because it’s Joey! “New Girl,” it always makes me laugh, and “American Housewife,” because it reminds me of my sister. And as always, “I Love Lucy.”
Craving: Beer battered onion rings. And a rainy day that actually feels like fall.
Excited for: A California Vacation! Some very generous and loving people in my life are taking Alex and I with them to California for a week, and believe you me, we need it. And are incredibly grateful for the opportunity!
It’s been a strange few weeks for me. I’m still freaking out about turning 24, and it’s really making me evaluate the life I’m living. I had a breakdown this weekend after being surrounded by successful, seemingly happy people. I know I need to stop comparing myself to other people, but as I told Alex that night, “Something in my life has to change.”
I cannot move up in my job, and I don’t even want to. This is not the job for me, and I have gotten all that I can out of it. And believe me, I am trying to change it. I’m looking for jobs everyday and applying to multiple places. But I’ll be honest, I am also being very selective in that process. I make a decent amount of money, and I am comfortable in my position. I am not going to leave it for a “maybe this could be better” type of scenario. I will leave it for a position that I am sure of. I will leave for a position that will provide me more opportunities, different experience, and a different environment.
I know part of my problem is my perspective. I need to be grateful that I am employed, and that I can pay the bills every month, and (usually) have some left over for fun stuff. I need to remember that my job does not define me. It is not who I am. But more importantly, I need to figure out what my next step is.
Is it brave to just up and quit, even though I have bills to pay? Is it brave to stay in a spot that I’m unhappy and just hope that something else comes through? I keep telling myself that when the time is right, something will come along. But I feel like the time is right. If I wait much longer, I don’t know how my mental health will hold up.
I have so many friends who are chasing their dreams and doing a damn good job of catching them. I have people surrounding me that are doing what they want to do, or at the very least, what they signed up to do, and using their degree. And I’m not doing any of that. I’m not using my degree. (Although some argue that I am, and that I got this job because of my degree). This is definitely NOT what I want to do with my life. And while I’ve been trying to chase my dreams, I am running out of steam, and if I’m truly honest with myself, I am limiting myself. And what am I doing about all of this? Whining. Because I am exhausted. Physically, mentally, emotionally, I am exhausted. I come home from work, and I try to clean up, then most nights I cook dinner, then I’ll watch my shows, take a shower and go to bed by 10:00. I love Jimmy Fallon, but I don’t even let myself stay up to watch him because I don’t want to be so tired in the morning. I come to work and just watch the clock, counting the hours until I get to go to lunch, and then again until I can go home. And I am not okay with living life like this. I may not know what exactly I was put on this earth to do, but I know that I was not given this life to spend it watching the hours tick by.
I don’t have a plan anymore. Plans scare me. Lack of plans scare me. But continuing to let my life pass me by like this absolutely terrifies me.
I know this post is not as beautifully composed as I try to make my writing, and I know it’s not very positive, or interesting. But I felt like it was time to write something down. So I did. And maybe some of my fellow twenty-somethings can relate, and let me know if you do. I may be lost, but we have to be in this together right?