How do you measure whether or not you’ve forgiven someone?
Is it the moment that you can look at them and actually see them, and not the act they committed?
Is it the moment that you don’t dread the possibility of the act coming up in conversation?
Is it the moment that you realize your fears have changed? If you can make it through this, then you can make it through that?
Do you need validation from others? Do you need apologies or acknowledgements? Or even accolades for making it through?
How do you measure forgiveness?
If you’ll always be scarred, it can’t be when you no longer feel the pain; the dull ache that it brings unannounced.
Is it when you finally feel safe to be vulnerable with that person again?
Is it when your insecurities are rooted more in self-forgiveness rather than forgiving others?
Is it when you allow yourself to start making plans again?
I don’t know how to measure forgiveness.
We still have one huge, foreseeable obstacle to get over to fully move on from this. But once we get through that, it’s not as though the past disappears. But maybe after that, I can get over the hope that the past will disappear. That is something that happened to us. But it is not us. And I need to get over the idea that we will ever go back to the way we were before. We won’t. BUT we can look forward to a new beginning, and in the end, a new us; a stronger us.
Clearly, I don’t know how to measure forgiveness. I think it’s more of a process than a measurable gesture. And maybe the process is ongoing, and there won’t ever be a time when you don’t need to put in effort to get to the end.
But I think I’m almost there.