Lately, I’ve been asked that question a lot. “So, what’s your end goal? What’s your plan?”
And for the first time since sophomore year of high school, I don’t know the answer.
I plan to a fault. It’s just who I’ve always been. I planned sleepovers when I was younger — as in I made a checklist of all the activities we needed to do. I had a plan mapped out for my life for six years, and a backup plan. And now I am scared of that simple question.
Wouldn’t an acceptable answer be, “Well, I’m only 23. The plan I had for my life didn’t work out. So I’m just going to be 23 for right now?” or “What’s your plan? Is this where you thought you would be at 23 years old?”
If I’m being completely honest, not having a plan is really scary to me.
I’m scared that in the time I spent preparing for my first plan, I wasted years not finding any of my other passions or talents.
I’m scared that the course I’m currently on won’t get me to where I want to be. Wherever that is. And that I’m just wasting time in a field I don’t want to be in. All the time I spend here is time that I’m not spending writing.
I’m scared that if I make any other plans, they will just fall through like the others. And even the ideas that aren’t set plans yet could fall through and ruin everything.
I’m scared that at the end of my life, I’m going to look back and regret trying to plan everything out.
I’ve already admitted that I am not living up to my full potential. But what can I do to change that, in a realistic fashion?
Every time I see a quote about achieving dreams or success, I feel a twinge of sadness come over me. Because that’s not me right now. And I don’t know how to make it me. “She turned her ‘can’ts’ into ‘cans’ and her dreams into plans” has always been one of my favorite quotes, but now it’s like someone is trying to slap me in the face when I read that. As they should.