Today, for the first time in a very long time, I went into hiding mode. This is very uncharacteristic of me. I can typically face the world, and embrace the challenges that get thrown at me, but today, it just seemed too heavy. All I wanted to do was curl up in a blanket and in Alex’s arms and cry, sleep, or any other activity that prevented me from thinking, and facing the world.
And for the first time ever, I felt like the odds were against Alex and I. That’s a feeling I just couldn’t handle. I got angry at first, but eventually I just started to feel defeated. Every comment someone had seemed like a seed of doubt that they were planting in my mind; right next to the seeds I planted in my own mind. I plant, fertilize and water those seeds enough on my own, I don’t need anyone else adding to that garden.
Everybody seems to have an opinion about your life, (especially when you’re a 20-something.) And quite frankly, I’m over it. And I didn’t ask for your input. “You should do this.” “Why aren’t you doing this?” “I don’t think you need to do this.” STOP! This is my life, not yours. I have to learn to make decisions based off my opinions alone, not those of everyone around me.
I am not saying that people in my life don’t have valid points, and I’m sure that they are just trying to look out for me, but throwing everything at me at once is just going to overwhelm me and make me overthink even more. And I can almost guarantee you that we will make mistakes, but how else are we going to learn? We’re at a point in our lives when we have to do what we believe is best for us, and if it turns out wrong, then we are the only ones to blame and we have to face the music. So please, at least let us try.
At the end of the day, Alex did everything right. He held me, he tried to make me smile, and he told me it would be okay. He didn’t want me to leave any more than I wanted to leave, but the best thing I could do in that moment was to let my thoughts come to life, and for that, it’s best if I’m by myself to sort it out. So I’m still in hiding, after taking a nice, hot shower I’m snuggled up in Alex’s hoodie, sitting in bed wondering what chick flick I am going to watch by candlelight. And all I keep thinking of is Alex telling me that we’re going to be okay.
Adulting is hard. I’ll face the world tomorrow.