One of my best friends and biggest fans (who by the way, is probably going to conquer the world with one hand behind her back while winning a Nobel Prize one day) asked me the other day “What are you deciding on the law front?” And I told her that the answer to that couldn’t be typed out with a simple text, but that maybe I would write a blog post about it. And alas, here it is.
Where am I on the law front? How can I describe this? Do I even know? Why are there more question marks than exclaimation marks?
I was thinking about the simplest way to answer that question whilst doing my hair this morning and came up with the following: “I don’t think I will ever completely close the door to law, but I am definitely walking farther away from that door.”
Deciding to go to law school was a process in itself. And the closer I got to applying and taking those steps, the more I started to doubt it. Was the investment really worth it? Would I actually enjoy law school or was it just school in generally that I enjoyed? And then the day came that I had to take the LSAT. I studied and studied and knew that I probably wasn’t as prepared as I could have been, but I was as prepared as I was going to get at the time. And I thought that it was time to start thinking positively and stop thinking about “What if I don’t make it?” and start thinking “But what if I do?”
Something that I don’t think I’ve told anyone was what I did the night before the test. I went to bed early of course so that I would be fresh and alert in the morning. I laid in the dark, thinking about all the possible scenarios of how the day would go and the resulting outcomes. And then I did something very out of the ordinary for me. I prayed. I prayed the following: “Whoever it is that listens to me up there, please listen. Tomorrow is a day that could change my life. And I’m praying for answers. Not answers to the test questions. Answers for my questions. I need to know whether or not this is what I am meant to do; Whether this is something I want to do; Whether this is something that I can do. So please help me find the answers tomorrow.”
And in the morning I was a bundle of nerves and on the brink of tears the entire time. My dad drove me to the test and he said, “I know you want to do well, and I want you to too. But I’m proud of you either way.” And then I broke down in tears. The combination of stress, nerves, and a father’s way of knowing just what to say and when to say it finally broke me.
So I took the test. And my dad picked me up and we went to the bar and had a drink. He asked me how it went and I said, “I don’t know, but it’s over now.”
And then I waited and waited for my score. The day came that I got that email and it didn’t go well. And writing was what eventually got me through that failure. The blog post about the LSAT was one of my most popular posts on my previous site. And I said that I was going to have to take some time off to think about everything, and to heal.
Then a unique series of events happened that changed my thinking even more. I was able to watch all the proceedings of the James Holmes trial, the man who killed 12 people in a Colorado movie theater, which obviously hit close to home. I watched the DA’s opening arguments and thought, “I could be doing that.” And I watched the trial almost every day and at the end I remember thinking, “I don’t think that they did a very good job. I don’t know if I could do any better.” I started watching the trial with the idea that without a doubt he should be put to death. And towards the end I started to question that. It made me rethink my goal to be a DA.
And then of course, I got my current job. And I was surrounded by grumpy, entitled, over-worked people who constantly told me, “You couldn’t pay me to go back and do it all over again.” And I started thinking about all the things I want out of life and whether or not the path to law school could also lead to a happy marriage, family and the chance to be a mom. I started questioning what success looks like and whether or not being a top prosecuting attorney was really what I wanted to make of my life. And then I got one of my articles published. And it provided me with validation, strength, and courage to keep on writing. And I got published a few more times after that. And each time, I felt the same high as I did the first time. And the same passion and yearning to write more. And to write well. And the path that I had originally planned on going down started changing, and including more options. And now the path to law school seems a little too far away, and maybe if I’m being honest, a little too treacherous for me.
Thinking about the LSAT still makes me tear up on certain occasions, and I still have interest in laws and supreme court rulings. I’ll never hate the idea of going to law school. But for now, law school is not my path. And for once, I’m okay with that.