Today I am writing for answers. Today I am writing because I am searching.
Searching for answers, inspiration, a new path, and contentment.
I keep trying to change my attitude about my current job situation. I keep telling myself that it gives me time to write, and that I will find something new soon as long as I continue to look. But I just can’t help feeling like this job is sucking the life out of me.
I try to write, but who can be inspired when you’re surrounded by 50 shades of gray (literally) with no windows and nothing to do. Here is what my workspace currently looks like:
Notice that I have tried to spruce it up a bit. I have a picture of Alex and I, a nice autumn scented candle, lotion, pink sticky notes and a wonderful background on my computer. I even have a pink blanket from home for when I get cold. I really have tried to make it a more pleasant space. I listen to my music to try and keep me energized, and yet still, I feel my energy, motivation, and happiness seeping out of my body day after day. I swear I’m even less articulate now than I was before I started working.
At least once a week, I go to my local Starbucks before work. And as I’m walking out I am struck by the beauty around me. It’s not a particularly beautiful Starbucks, and the parking lot is nothing spectacular but it’s the breath of fresh air that I get. Regardless of the weather or the amount of sleep I got the night before, I suddenly feel more alive. And I think to myself, “It is so beautiful out, and I’m going to go spend the next eight hours in front of a screen.” And I think about how often we hear, “live like it’s your last day,” “life is short,” etc. and I know that if I spent my last day on earth at my desk in this office, I would be incredibly disappointed.
My work is entirely meaningless. The people at the office are nice, but I wouldn’t want to spend my last day with them. Or even my last week with them. My job consists of doing what I’m told and showing up even when I’m not needed (which is 90% of my time). There is no room for growth (intellectually or otherwise) and I am about as replacable as a tissue.
And even though I am aching to walk out that door and never look back, the responsible “adult” side of me is yelling at me to just stick with it, and to think of the student loans I racked up. Part of me wishes that I would have allowed myself more time off between graduating and finding “a real job.” Part of me knows that some people my age are jealous of my situation. And the other parts of me just continue to daydream and hold on to the everlasting hope that somehow keeps finding its way back to me.
I feel like I’ve entered a battle between my emotional/mental well-being and my financial well-being. Will it always be like this? Is anyone ever really happy, or even content, with the job that they do? Questions like this are the reason I end up with sleepless nights, which only exacerbates these problems.
I want more for myself than what I have right now. The problem is, I don’t know how to get there. Or if I ever will.
“Keep trying, hold on, & always, always, always believe in yourself, because if you don’t, then who will, sweetie? So keep your head high, keep your chin up, & most importantly, keep smiling, because life’s a beautiful thing & there’s so much to smile about.” – Marilyn Monroe