Eff I’m in My Twenties Day 26: Thoughts Keeping Me Awake

First, in order to make up for not posting yesterday, I will try to post twice today! The first page I’ll respond to in the F*ck I’m In My Twenties Guided Journal says “The thought that keeps me up all night.” Well, anyone who knows me understands that I am a planner and that I am an overthinker. This makes for many sleepless nights and worrisome days. It also means that there is almost always more than just one thought that keeps me up at night.

Here are the top 4 things that currently keep me up at night:

  1. My current situation: The job I have is clearly not my career. The job I have has served its purpose for me and now I am trying to get into the industry I ultimately want to be in, writing/editing. I am trying to save money for the down payment for a little house of my own, which is the whole reason I am living with my parents. It just seems like a very slow process.
  2. My family: I worry about my family more and more as I get older. I understand more and I want more for them. I worry about my family’s health, financial stability, happiness, etc. I want to do so much for them but it’s hard to balance the things that they need with the things that I need to do to help them. (i.e. lowering my parents’ expenses but getting out on my own). I’m starting to think the true sign of adulthood is the amount you stress about your family, when you never even thought to stress about it before. You’re growing up as they are growing old, and that can be a very scary thing.
  3. My future: I think about when I am able to fall asleep next to Alex everyday, and wake up to the sight of him each morning. I think about the first house we will live in together, the one that every married couple seems to look back on and think about how shabby it was but how somehow they still made it a home. I think about my wedding, (big surprise right?) I think about when I will get to tell my parents that I’m pregnant and trying to come up with baby names. I think about moments when Alex and I will wake up very quickly and whisper to other while hiding under the covers so the kids don’t hear us just yet. And I think about when the kids come running in our room and jump on the bed and a dog jumps up in excitement and the cat is still laying there wondering what the hell is going on. And I think about what my job might be, what my house might look like, how my children will someday grow up. You see the planning coming out?
  4. My life: I think about how I can live my life better. I walk the halls of the office, clutching my coffee, counting down the minutes until I can go home. I don’t want it to be like that. I think about what kind of memories I want people to have of me. What kind of impressions I may be making. I think about how I will be when I’m grey and wrinkly. I want to live more in the present, and less in the future. And I want to enjoy every single second I have here.

And of course, my final thoughts of the night are typically along the lines of “Oh my gosh, stop thinking, brain! We have to get up in 4 hours for work. Go to sleep!”

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