Eff I’m in My Twenties Day 18: Secrets

F*ck I’m In My Twenties Guided Journal made me get deep today. As you can see, the prompt was to write down “things I wish I could say out loud, but I can’t.” Of course, many times that’s all writing is: allowing the words you cannot speak with your mouth to escape through your heart. These words dance across pages in hopes that they grant you some sort of freedom by seeing them come alive. And as much as I try to be honest with myself, I am only human and sometimes there are certainly things that I wish I could say but I cannot. So here they are, for my lovely readers. Maybe one of you out there will be able to relate, or find solace in my deepest thoughts.

Put your heart on the page

I want to… know how people view me. I wish I could see my flaws and my strengths through the eyes of someone who loves me, and of someone who hates me. I want to stop being so stubborn and accept the good and bad parts of me. It’s much easier to believe the negative things in life than it is to believe the positive things. I want to accept both and work on the flaws and embrace the strengths.
(That one wasn’t so bad… So far so good…)

I love…. There’s not a lot that I love that I am afraid to admit to. I suppose the hardest thing to say out loud is that I fear that I sometimes love too deeply. I give so much of myself in love that it can easily exhaust me and eventually I will have nothing left to give. I love with passion so I fight with passion. I love to the point of suffocation sometimes. I love with my own style. I am learning how to tailor my love style to the one I am giving it to. We don’t all love the same way. We can’t expect others to know the kind of love we need and automatically give it; just as we cannot assume the kind of love others may need.

I hate… how deeply I have allowed people from my past affect me. The guys I was with fucked with me so much that they genuinely changed who I am. They changed the way I think about things and people, including myself. I hate that there are times when I still wonder what I could have done differently. I hate that the insecurities that were created by them cause issues in my current relationship. I hate how I allowed myself to be treated. I hate how society teaches girls and boys that certain things are okay that absolutely are not. I hate how I didn’t affect any of them as profoundly as they affected me. And I hate that I still harbor all of this hatred towards them.
(That one was a little tougher.)

I don’t know… if I really want a career. I don’t think I would feel nearly as accomplished having a successful career as I would if I have a successful family. I don’t know if my future family will view me in the way I want them to if I don’t have a successful career. I don’t know if all the things I want out of life are even possible. Or if what I think I want is what is truly going to make me happy.

I’ve always…. doubted whether or not I will make a good mother, and maintain a successful marriage. It something that is so important to me that I can only hope that I don’t get in my own way and sabotage everything. I don’t want to over analyze and allow the insecurities and doubts to get in my way.

I… am so scared. Of much more than I should be. I’m scared of losing the ones who mean most to me. I’m scared of never living up to my potential. I’m scared of failing. I’m scared of letting people close to me. I’m scared of hurting people close to me. I’m terrified of losing control. The amount of things I am scared of almost outweighs the amount of insecurities I have. And that in and of itself is terrifying.

“Of course, many times that’s all writing is: allowing the words you cannot speak with your mouth to escape through your heart. These words dance across pages in hopes that they grant you some sort of freedom by seeing them come alive.”

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