F*ck I’m in My Twenties Day 9: Fill Me In

Today’s page of the F*ck I’m in My Twenties Guided Journal says: “Pull a Craig David and ‘fill me in’ (Does anyone get that reference? Anyone? Hello? Is this thing on?)”

So! Here is what I filled in.

What would you do if you know you would not fail?

What would you do if money was no option?

Why don’t we ask ourselves those questions when signing up for a major, a job, or a school? Why aren’t we more honest with ourselves? Or maybe it’s that honesty that hurts us. Maybe our realism trumps our honesty. 

As many of you know, I have been contemplating going to law school since my junior year of high school. And ever since then I have had a love/hate relationship with the idea. After doing poorly on the LSAT, I was devastated and couldn’t imagine redoing that whole process. Then I decided that was irrational and I needed to give it even more thought. So naturally, I got a job as a legal assistant to try and help me make a decision. And so far the job (and my own thoughts) have dissuaded me against law school.

My two biggest problems with going to law school are 1) Money. I already have thousands of dollars in debt from undergrad weighing on me; I really can’t imagine thousands more for law school). And considering my main interest is to be a District Attorney, the salary would not exactly aide the repayment process. 2) If I start on the path of law school and the legal profession, there will never be a good time to start a family. I certainly won’t want to while I’m in law school, and then once I’m out I’m likely to want to start practicing right away and won’t want to take time off. Plus, I want to be an amazing mother and an amazing lawyer and I don’t know if it is possible to truly give my all to both those positions.

But then today I had a thought. What if I got a scholarship to law school. That would certainly take care of problem number 1. Would I still consider problem number 2 a problem? If money was no object, would I still want to be a lawyer? Since the type of law I want to practice is not necessarily high paying, do I really consider money that big of an object now?

What would I do if I knew I would not fail? Law? Writing?

What would I do if money was no object? Law? Writing?

I guess my questions are all boiling down to which profession I want to do more. Neither of which have clear, easy paths to start down. And neither of which are financially stable. One has more room for failure though.

How are we supposed to make such important life decisions when our Corpus Callosum isn’t even fully developed yet? When we don’t even know what either lifestyle will have in store for us? When we just devoted four years of our lives to something that we may or may not have wanted to do in the first place?

Why is there so much pressure on us? I worked as a blogger for the English Department at CSU, and my internship coordinator said to me, “I think after you graduate, we all just need to sit and stare at a wall for six months just to really figure out what we want to do.” I completely agree with her. However, six months after graduation is when your first student loan bill comes through and if all you have done is sit and stare at a wall, you might be in trouble when that happens. And yet, we’re thrown into the real world and told, “You’re an adult now, go be productive.”

We are in school for 13-17 years of our lives and yet we still didn’t learn how to be an adult. We are given lessons and then tests, but in the real world you get the test and then the lesson. I don’t know how to be anything other than a student. I feel incomplete without intellectual challenge, a classroom, a teacher, because that’s what I’ve known my whole life. Since I was 5 years old I wanted to go to school (with the exception of middle school years, because who actually enjoyed that time in their life?) So now what?

If anyone has any suggestions as to what I should do or how I can figure it out, I welcome your input. I know I’m not the only 20-something out there searching for answers, but it would be nice to be reminded.

-M

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