I will admit, I have been going a bit out of order in terms of the pages in the F*ck I’m in My Twenties Guided Journal. Last week, one of the pages simply said, “Vent to me” but at the time I didn’t have much to vent about, so I decided I would save it for another day.
Well that day is here. Time to vent.
I miss school. I even miss the little town where I went to school that I swore I wouldn’t miss. As much as I hated that town and some days of school, and longed for the weekend so I could drive home and escape for a few days, I still made Fort Collins home for four years. And I learned to love that little town. It wasn’t easy to get lost in Fort Collins, which made finding your way back home that much easier. When I needed to go on a drive just to think and get away from it all, I had all my special routes down. And if I changed it up, I still knew where I was. There is something quaint about that town that I thought I hated after four years. Something that makes it very easy to miss when you’re gone.
The job I have is doing two things very well. 1) It is convincing me that law school is not the right path for me. 2) It is proving to me that I yearn for intellectual challenge. I once believed that a job as easy as this one would be perfect, but I need to have some kind of thought in my work! I need my brain to be stimulated multiple times a day.
I am not the kind of person to believe that I am better than any job. I don’t believe that I should have a better job because I earned it, or because I am automatically deserving. I do not believe that I am entitled to anything. The only person who owes me anything is myself. And I owe it to myself to make my degree worthwhile, and to make myself happy.
I understand that I am picky when it comes to careers. And I completely stand by that. If I’m going to spend the majority of my time doing something, I better damn well enjoy it. I don’t think that there is anything wrong with wanting to try everything until you find something that you love.
So what’s a girl to do? I feel as though I am wasting time at this job now. I am not getting experience writing or editing like I need. I’m about 90% sure that law school is not for me now, but I have benefits and responsibilities now. If I want to save money for a house and the lifestyle I hope to have later, I need to maintain a good paying job. But at what cost? My job really isn’t that bad. But I can’t help but feel like I”m wasting my degree and what little talent I might have.
Let’s be honest. I’m a legal assistant. I can’t be promoted from here. I may get a raise after a year or so, but I’m never going to be more than an assistant here. I will be taking orders all day, everyday and doing the jobs that the lawyers are too busy or good for. And the whole time I can’t help thinking, “I could be just like you” and “Why is it that the attorneys here all hate their jobs?”
Growing up is a trap. I just wish I would have realized that before I was in such a hurry to get here.